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Doctors Write Their Ideal Medical News Headlines

We are bombarded daily with negative headlines touting ominous news about our health such as, “Aggressive tick whose bite makes people allergic to red meat is arriving in Canada” or “Millions of Americans live nowhere near a hospital, jeopardizing their lives” or “Contaminated egg scandal widens to UK and France.”

In light of all the negativity, we asked doctors to invent a medical/health headline that they wish they could read… a news story that would provide some good news for once!

Below are some of the submissions that physicians said they wish they could open up the newspaper to read:

“Sufficient consumption of chocolate discovered to grant eternal youth and other assorted superpowers.” – Radiology

“The US Has Finally Outlawed Vaccine Exceptions Unless Medically Fragile.” – Pediatrics

“New drug reverses multiple causes of dementia, including Alzheimer’s Disease.” – Ophthalmology

“Patients off treatment & cured of HIV by marvelous new drug.” – Oncology

“Maintenance of Certification (MOC) not required for state licensure, hospital privileges, health insurance panels, or malpractice insurance!” – Cardiology

“’More Patients Are Taking Personal Responsibility for Their Health and Wellness’ or ‘New Study Shows 80% of Vascular and Thoracic Surgery Patients Quit Smoking After Major Operations’.” – General Surgery

“Coffee and cheesecake in the right amounts cures cancer.” – Internal Medicine

“Doctors are prohibited from working more than 12 hours in a row!” – General Practice 

“New, affordable once daily pill gives skin complete ultraviolet light protection against burning, tanning, aging.” – Dermatology 

“Headline: Amazing new antibiotic discovered: active against all infections and cannot become resistant. Sub-heading: Philanthropic drug-company donates new antibiotic, free of charge, to World Health Organization for elimination of all disease!” – Anesthesiology 

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